The theme "Love Your Feelings" didn't inspire me, at first. I'm not loving my feelings lately. The verse I kept thinking of was Ephesians 4:26, "Be angry and sin not..."
Suddenly, it clicked for me in a way I hadn't thought of before. I've always thought of feelings as bad, dangerous, even. Feelings can get you into trouble. Acting on your feelings is frowned upon. But the Bible says to be angry and sin not. It doesn't say not to get angry. What if we substitute other feelings? Be sad and sin not. Be frustrated and sin not. Be disappointed and sin not.
In fact, the only feelings I can think of that we're told not to have are anxiety, "Be anxious for nothing..." (Philippians 4:6), jealousy, "You shall not covet..." (Exodus 20:17), and hate, "Whoever hates his brother is a murderer..." 1 John 3:15.
So feelings, in and of themselves, aren't the problem. It's how we act upon those feelings. That was really freeing for me. I've been feeling horrible for the way I feel about Luke's challenges. And I think the added guilt makes it even harder for me to align my actions with what they should be.
Here's my reality: I feel like a lousy mom for not connecting with Luke. Somehow, I have this idea that a perfect mother wouldn't need any sort of validation from her child. Perfect Mom wouldn't care that Luke never smiles at her, and in fact, often starts whining and hitting himself in the head when she comes near him. Like some automaton, she would just continue to smile and serve and hum and bake and birds would chirp in the background.
Well, that's crap. I think we've already established that I'm not a perfect mom. Honestly, I don't even want to be. I think it would be a disservice to my kids, in the long run.
I'm feeling overwhelmed.
I'm feeling terrified of the future with Luke. I don't want to spend the rest of my life taking care of somebody who doesn't even like me. I'm feeling regrets.
I'm feeling a faint glimmer of hope, which scares this fragile heart, that we might be getting close to a diagnosis. I'm feeling guarded. I was finally coming to terms with the whole "maybe we'll never know what's wrong with him" thing, and I'm afraid to get my hopes up because I don't want to be let down again.
I'm feeling like everyone thinks I'm horrible for not being madly in love with my child. I feel sorry for Luke that I don't have the same affection for him that I do for Katie and Hannah.
I'm feeling a huge sense of loss for the spunky little boy I was hoping we would be parenting. He may have only existed in my mind. He may have been a composite of the cute pictures of other people's boys from China, and memories of my older boys at age 2. But the smallest things set off a longing for "that boy" some days. Hearing the garbage truck come down the street and wishing that I could could holler, "Lukey! Garbage truck!" and have him come running over and climb up to see out the window and point and say, "Truck!" and be excited. Meeting another mom with a boy the same age and knowing the two of them will never play together.
I guess the realization that it's OKAY to have these feelings comes with the responsibility not to wallow in them. I don't know if I'm at the point of loving my feelings quite yet, but at least I'm acknowledging them.
Thanks for your honesty! Sounds like Luke is lucky to have you as your mom.
ReplyDeleteOh, I think if Luke was lucky, he would be with his birthmother. Or with an adoptive mom who adored him and had endless patience to pour into him. I feel sorry for him that he got stuck with overwhelmed, unprepared, flying by the seat of our pants, us.
DeleteI so appreciate your honesty here. You are such a blessing to us moms who also feel that strain even with "perfect" children.
ReplyDeleteIt has certainly made me more thankful for the fact that my other children don't face the challenges that Luke does. I guess that's a silver lining.
DeleteWhile my girl has made progress, after nearly 6 months home we realize she may never be near normal. We are giving it all we got, but are accepting we may not be the family for her. We tried in home therapy and had to cancel. She seemed to prefer me to my hubby and other kids, but to my horror she threw herself at the therapist and the whole visit tried relentlessly to get onto this ladies lap. Even with me in the room she preferred to lay at this ladies feet. It was sick to even watch. This, after me holding her for weeks and months, everyday. She is also so ticky and by the end of the day, my body is bruised and hurts from her climbing all over me. We know something is wrong, she can function to a degree and is smart and if she is autistic in Any way, to us that diagnoses just doesn't fit! We dont want to give up, but our family has agreed that if things remain how they are, we aren't going to keep her. I too can't imagine a life dealing with this, forever. We do love her, and though I try to connect, it's hard to continue that, because I just feel wrong about this whole situation. She can do really well, and learns but our excitement is tempered because if you stay long enough with her, it's easy for her to drive anyone nuts. Family sees the same thing too, something just isn't right. With autistic and even adopted children in our family, she still has no similarities then any of them. All of us are at a loss of what's up with her. I feel she may have RAD, ADHD and a mental illness or something on the lines of that cause she can act nearly normal at times. We are continuing to pare our life down and if we are happier, so is she but long term, we are not sure we can go on. My hubby and I were again talking about a bio child are talking about formally ending that route, but if we give her up that means I will be looking at an empty nest in a few short years, which is hard. Right now, we are praying hard and haven't made Amy decision and I am sure if we work with her she will continue to make progress BUT it's going to take everything we got as a family and we are not sure in the future what issues she will finally have that are going to even take more from us. Our older kids are being troopers, but still this maybe more then we as a family can handle. Finally, I am getting past being sad and even determined to help her and now am entering, I know we want her, but you know what, what will this do to the rest of our family if we continue? My hubby and Mom agree, that there are other people in this family to continue and in the end, we can't give it all up for just one child. We just can't! We will continue to pray hard, work with her, but as time goes on, are resolving the fact she is who she is and we are who we are and can only do what we can do. We hope she can stay, but are also willing to let her go in the coming months, if it's right for her and us. Love can only do so much, sadly and just like you forever seems like a long time to continue what is taking its toll on the test of us. Our original family structure is hanging on strongly, which is a testament to how close and bonded we all are, but she either is going to want and need us or she won't. Please don't feel bad for what's going on with Luke!!! Whatever is wrong is wrong, the big question is can you continue? Do you want to? You are not a bad Mother, just human. God knows our hearts, Shecki, we just have to know our limits. Ultimately, will I give my girl up? When I get total peace that nothing I can do or will do will be "enough" that's when I will surrender. I will be sad, and regret that I she isn't part of our family, will cry and grieve her but will also know a new family, one with lots of normal functioning siblings will be better medicine then anything I have to offer here. I will continue to pray for your family and stand strong even despite my own challenges! I am not giving up on life and instead am choosing to do what God asks!
ReplyDeleteHow disappointing that in home therapy didn't work out for you. Was it early intervention? Or some other type of therapy? I remember feeling uncomfortable when one of Luke's therapists was holding him close and rocking him like an infant.
DeleteIt was early intervention, but The therapists never tried to pick her up, and I know the therapist, though professional, was the one uncomfortable with what our girl was attempting to do. I was heartbroken, of coarse, and upset but her behavior was over the top type bad! The lady had to stand most of the therapy and even if she bent down and her knees slightly bent, our daughter tried everything, rubbing up against her, trying hard and pushing even standing up into her lap trying to get contact with the ladies body. I wouldnt expect this blatant type of acting out 6 months later and her ignoring me for the most part, even though I hold her all day long for months! While trying to get onto someone's lap, while bad is understandable after being in an orphanage, I do feel that is quite normal, the way she was "attacking" this lady is not normal. Our girl has made some very good progress, but a therapist coming in for 45 minutes revealed that her issues are still very much a problem, one that may require more then we can give. Autistic issues, so can handle that, attachment issues-can work with that too! Rad, if she has that, we know we can't deal with it. We did foster care too, RAD is not for us! So we sit and hope this turns around and with God it can happen, but so far it's not looking good. We absolutely love her, it's not always easy to like her after something like this happens, but if she has extensive RAD issues we for sure will give her up. Not because we couldn't work it out, but it would destroy our whole family because we just aren't the right family for those issues, sadly! I think as a person, I know my limitations and it's hard to accept that but no matter what, if she has this issue, I also owe it to her to give her to a family who can get her over this, who can meet that need we know we can't. Fortunately, if we make that decision someday, trying so hard not to, believe me...we will easily be able to place her, because our daughter is a beautiful sweet little girl, but in the end it's still going to be hard, failing her and failing our family who very much wanted and still wants her. Irregardless of what happens, we are going to still give it are all till God tells us to stop, truly he knows us and our hearts so his will needs to be done, no matter what.
DeleteI continue to lift you and your family up in prayer and hope that she turns a corner with you soon.
DeleteI agree. The feelings aren't right or wrong. It's what we choose to do with those feelings that matters. I appreciate your honesty.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Leah. Now that I've got the "feel" out of the way, I guess I have to work on the "do" part. People always assume that because I have so many children then I'm *so* patient, but I'm finding out just how NOT patient I am, dealing with Lukey.
DeleteYou are a beautiful soul and a courage mama. I am blessed by your honesty and sharing your journey with us. God is so gracious to give you just what you needed at the right time and I know I would be "feeling" exactly the same way in your shoes. I am praying for you today in this journey. Hugs
ReplyDeleteThank you, Ashley! I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone's prayers! It really means the world to me to know that people are lifting up our family.
DeleteYour honesty and your desire to do the right thing will cause you to be the mom that your son needs. :)
ReplyDeleteI hope so, Susan. I sure feel like he got the short end of the stick most days.
DeleteHave you heard of this blog? She has a post today that you might like to read on loving your kids. I can relate to her post as I have a difficult to love child and I feel very guilty about it. http://fullplatemama.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing that! I saw the same photo on Facebook and it made me angry and ashamed.
DeleteI'm right there with you. It's hard being the moms we want to be with the challenges our children throw at us.
ReplyDeleteAny chance I can talk you into coming up for another visit? There's an FCC CNY thing 3/2, if you're interested. Or if you're all CNY out, when is Apple's next appt at Shriners?
DeletePraying! Attachment/bonding is a two way street. When a child has the challenges and profound delays that Luke has,,,and you didn't get to bond with him in the "snuggly" precious newborn stage, well, I think your feelings are to be expected! When you get no "reciprocal" affection or relationship, it's VERY HARD Shecki! Hang in there. Praying you get some answers and help soon!
ReplyDeleteThank you. Both for your prayers and for your understanding. I really do think it would be easier if he'd smile at me.
DeleteIt would be MUCH easier if he would smile at you and give some reciprocal affection/bonding. I'm a momma of many, 5 adoptions, and the kids I've bonded with the fastest are the smiley, affectionate, happy, "easy to love" ones. That's just human nature. I have one adopted son that just radiates joy and sunshine, smiles constantly.Everyone that meets him falls in love instantly and asks if they can take him home, Lol. Some personalities are just easier to "fall in love" with, and us humans are wired for connection. With Luke, his disabilities are overshadowing any relational abilities he has, making it extremely hard for ANYone to bond with him. You are a fantastic Mom to Luke, and any Mom in your situation would be struggling to connect with this little guy. When he is able to smile, (and I'm confident it will happen!) what a difference it will make!
DeleteI'm grieved that China did not represent his special needs accurately and that you were put in a situation that is stressful and emotional,(in China!) trying to make a life changing decision with no accurate medical info and very little time. It isn't fair to any child or any family.
In China's defense, there are so many different layers between the people caring for Luke, and the people holding his adoption file, I don't think we were intentionally deceived.
DeleteI guess instead of hoping for Luke to crawl or walk or feed himself, I just just wish for him to smile. It seems like he was a *little* more smiley when we first got him. Now, the only person who can get him to smile is Sam.
I guess I meant the "system" in China failed to accurately depict his needs. I agree it probably wasn't intentional. It's just sad and hard for everyone involved now that he's home. That is interesting that he seemed more smiley when you first got him, and that he CAN smile for Sam! Sounds somewhat grief/attachment related? Has early intervention made any difference? He still can't crawl or walk? Or feed himself? Oh, mama, we are lifting you up. Grace to you. Such a tough road you are on. Your honesty is incredible.
DeleteI knew what you meant. I just didn't want anyone to think I was "mad at China." It's an amazing country, and I can't wait to take the girls back to visit in a few years. China gave me 2 beautiful daughters, and I will forever be indebted to it for that.
DeleteLuke cannot get into a sitting position by himself. He cannot crawl or walk. He can feed himself some things, using his hand (he doesn't have pincer grasp yet), but cannot operate utensils or cups on his own yet.
I read your post in the forum on China Adopt Talk and looked you up because I ached for you. We had some similar issues with our daughter. We waited 16 years to be parents and 6 years in the China adoption program, and then brought home a child that had delays that were FAR beyond what we thought we could handle. I found myself grieving the loss of my dream of the "perfect child". I found myself jealous of the other parents that brought home children with far less issues. We have been home 2 years now and it took well over a year before we started to click ... in the end I needed to accept the disabilities she came home with that I did not know she had ... she has 18q- deletion syndrome and will likely always be mentally challenged. It hurt greatly when I learned that. Only when I started putting myself in the place of my daughter -- trying to imagine her life in an institution with her disabilities and trying to put MY dreams behind me did I truly fall in love with my little girl. I know it is tough ... and it is alright to grieve ... but please know that God has a plan for him. And He brought him to you, so He can and will give you the strength and wisdom to help him if you ask. I truly believe that. Your Luke NEEDS you more than you'll ever know. Don't give up!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your encouragement. It's comforting to hear that the affection can still come in due time.
DeleteI have written and deleted my comment, too many times. I just don't know what to say, other than your honesty is INCREDIBLE! You are INCREDIBLE. I will never stop praying for you and Luke. Ever. It will come, maybe moron the timetable you and I would like, but it will. He is faithful. Love and Prayers!!!
ReplyDeletePS....forgive yourself....
Thank you. I don't feel incredible, lol, mostly just tired. But I so appreciate your prayers! :)
DeleteYou are awesome, Mama! Don't let anybody -- even yourself - tell you otherwise.
ReplyDeleteParenting a special needs kid is a bit of a grief process. Even when you're thankful and happy to have that child, you have to let yourself grieve what you dreamed of. Unfortunately, grief is a process, and not always a straight line. Some days are good, and some days you don't have it in you to scrape yourself off the floor. That's how it goes. Don't wallow, but let yourself grieve - because as a mama, you're grieving for two. ((hugs))
Thank you, Meg. There's a fine line between grief and wallowing some days.
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