A large family, homeschooling, adoption, special needs, whatever strikes my fancy, sort of blog.

A large family, homeschooling, adoption, special needs, whatever strikes my fancy, sort of blog.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Letting Go


Luke's bus showed up to pick him up, but Luke isn't here.  Luke is gone.

Many of you who have followed this blog since before our adoption, or know us in real life, know that the last two years have been very hard on our whole family.

I went to China expecting to adopt a little boy that would need one outpatient surgery and some help catching up to his peers, maybe an IEP in school.  Reality turned out to be very different from that, and we spent 20 months chasing a diagnosis for our profoundly handicapped little boy.

From our very first post placement report, a mere few weeks home, we've been very upfront about our struggles, and at our one year post placement visit last summer, the social worker said, "I see Luke ending up in an out of home placement."  I think this was the beginning of the end, as we started talking about disruption (or dissolution, both terms are used to describe an adoption that doesn't work out).

At the end of January, we made the very difficult decision to begin looking for another family to adopt Luke.  We were presented with family profiles at the end of February and beginning of March, and we then selected the home we felt would be best fit for him.

We proceeded with a legal adoption process, and in April, Luke's new mommy and sister traveled here to pick him up.  They were here for a few days while waiting for ICPC to clear so they could travel across state lines with him.  We were able to visit with them again the day they left.

As hard as it is to admit that I'm not capable of being the mom that Luke needs, I really feel like the family we chose is going to be perfect for him.  We went out to dinner with them the first day, and we got along well.  They are experienced with kids who have severe special needs, and are undaunted at the prospect of the lifetime total care that Luke will require.

Luke's new family has agreed to an open adoption, so we'll be getting pictures and updates so we can see how he's doing.  I know we made the right decision, and I know he'll do well in his new home, but there are still moments where I'm saddened by our loss.  Moments like when Luke's bus arrived, despite me filling out disenrollment paperwork at the school prior to his move.  One last piece of his clothing coming through the laundry.  And then another one.  Walking past a food he likes in the grocery store.  Finding a fishy cracker on the laundry room floor.

This was not an easy choice for us.  We love Luke, and we want what's best for him.  Please pray for both families, that Luke will adjust to his new home well, and that we will continue to adjust to his absence.  Thank you.

Top Mommy Blogs - Click To Vote! Thanks for clicking for us!

64 comments:

  1. Much love to you all, that must be such a heart.wrenching choice to struggle with.

    ReplyDelete
  2. We will certainly be praying for you and your family. And for Luke and his new family. God bless you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Elisabeth. I appreciate your prayers.

      Delete
  3. Prayers for much love and comfort to you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sending you all so very much love and support. ❤️

    ReplyDelete
  5. Praying for you and for Luke. You are courageous. Xxoo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't feel very courageous, but thank you for your prayers. :) I appreciate the understanding from another China mom.

      Delete
  6. You are all in my thoughts. Much love. <3

    ReplyDelete
  7. I will be praying for you all and Luke with his new family. (Hugs)

    ReplyDelete
  8. You and your family as well as Luke and his family will be in my prayers. I know what you're going through as we also disrupted our adoption after being home a few years.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so sorry to hear that, Kayla. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. I hope your family is doing well now.

      Delete
  9. We too have been through the heartbreak of dissolution and I know how hard it is on everyone. Luke will be just fine in his new family and it's wonderful that they have agreed to open communication!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your understanding, Karen. It helps to know we're not the only ones who've walked this road.

      Delete
  10. I know this has been so difficult for your family. I'm glad that you have found a family you are confident can care for Luke's needs and who will keep you updated. Keeping your family in prayer for healing in this time of transition.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Kelly. I'm guessing this didn't come as a surprise to you, since we've communicated privately. I appreciate your prayers.

      Delete
  11. Shecki, i haven't followed you over the past 2 years, but came across this today on a friend's page. I am sure you will miss this little boy, and I am not judging you for finding a family better suited for him. I am however, upset by his picture being posted here publicly, with description of all of his needs, and the stress his presence caused your family over the past 2 years. This really seems it should be a private matter. I am confident that your family will be fine. The boy is going through far more. I AM sorry for your loss. Truly. But i am more sorry for him. I just hope this 3rd disruption in this boy's life fills his needs for belonging and unconditional love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I appreciate your perspective. I think that if there was any possibility of Luke reading this later, I would be more circumspect. But that would be grossly over estimating his potential. I share, not to embarrass Luke, but to be transparent with other families about the realities of adoption. I believe in adoption. I have been incredibly blessed by adoption. I think it's usually a beautiful thing. But it can be very hard, as well. And it's this reality that I didn't see before we adopted Luke that allowed me to think, "Everything will be okay." Because it seemed like it always worked out that way.

      Delete
  12. Shecki, i haven't followed you over the past 2 years, but came across this today on a friend's page. I am sure you will miss this little boy, and I am not judging you for finding a family better suited for him. I am however, upset by his picture being posted here publicly, with description of all of his needs, and the stress his presence caused your family over the past 2 years. This really seems it should be a private matter. I am confident that your family will be fine. The boy is going through far more. I AM sorry for your loss. Truly. But i am more sorry for him. I just hope this 3rd disruption in this boy's life fills his needs for belonging and unconditional love.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Shecki - So heartbreaking! Praying for you and your sweet family. Praying for sweet Luke and his new family. May God bless all and may all sense His loving hand of comfort and peace in the midst of such turmoil and stress. You did what was right for your family and for precious Luke. Never doubt yourself or allow others to tear you down. You are a wonderful mom and doing a super job!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your encouragement. It means a lot to me.

      Delete
  14. I too am praying that both you and Luke's new family do well. We didn't actually disrupt, but waited till each child became 18 and then dropped all contact with them. Too many heartbreaks and no (absolutely no) bonding.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so sorry. I have no personal experience with RAD, but I understand it can be devastatingly destructive.

      Delete
  15. Wow what a struggle to make such a brave decision. I admire that you all had such strength as that to do what was in the best interest of Luke and the families. (((HUGS))) May you find the comfort you need. 2 Cor.1:3, 4,

    ReplyDelete
  16. Sometimes the hardest things to do are the best. Though that doesn't make it any easier. ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete
  17. Praying for Luke in his new family , and prayers and hugs to you

    ReplyDelete
  18. Tears, hugs, love, understanding, and support for everyone involved. I'm inspired by your courage, honesty, transparency, humility, and keeping Luke's best interests at heart, even if that means another family. We love your whole family. You are in no way a failure, your family was exactly what Luke needed. You were the needed step to his next family, all the work you did to adopt, care for, search for diagnosis for, etc., was such a crucial step in his life that can never be replaced. Don't let people, or the enemy tell you otherwise.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your words mean so much to me, Ashley. Thank you.

      Delete
  19. You made the best decision for everyone involved. Hugs from Canada.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your understanding, Sylvie.

      Delete
  20. I'm sure this is a very difficult decision, Shecki. I appreciate your honesty because I think this can be an encouragement to other adopting families.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Shecki, I can only imagine the heavieness of your heart at this time, even knowing that Luke will be in a home better suited for his needs. However, know that God puts people in our lives for a reason and while we don't understand it, he knows. The 2 years he was in your care served some greater purpose.. Bless you for having enough love in your heart to open your home to him and then having enough love to let him go when the time came.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your encouragement, Brenda.

      Delete
  22. That is no easy decision. I can only imagine how heavy your heart was making this descion. I give you a lot of credit for what you did. I will keep you, luke, and the other family in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  23. You are a loving and brave mother. You recognized that you could not fill the needs Luke had and took the proper and legal steps to correct it. You gave Luke what he needed, even if it wasn't you. That is a true parent. Even if it's hard you still did what was best for your child.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. After all the horror stories about "rehoming" kids, I wasn't sure at first what the legal way to disrupt *was*. Turns out, it's quite a bit like surrendering a newborn. Now I have a whole new sympathy and understanding for the birth family side of the triad.

      Delete
    2. No, shecki is neither loving nor brave -- she adopted a kid, decided he didn't meet her expectations and kicked him to the curb.

      Delete
    3. I'm sorry you feel that way, Kate. You're right, I'm not brave. I was completely overwhelmed at the thought of changing Luke's diapers for the rest of my life. Maybe I took the coward's way out. But I did NOT kick him to the curb. I placed him for adoption with a loving family, who is happy to have him, despite his grim prognosis.

      Delete
  24. You are a loving and brave mother. You recognized that you could not fill the needs Luke had and took the proper and legal steps to correct it. You gave Luke what he needed, even if it wasn't you. That is a true parent. Even if it's hard you still did what was best for your child.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Oh, Shecki, I'm so sorry, but I'm so glad for your family and Luke. Having seen you at the beginning in China with Luke and having been to your home and seen him there, plus going through things with my own kids, I can only give you my love and support and understanding. I that there is a great wound in your family over this. My prayers for you is that this wound will heal and you'll each find peace in your hearts over this decision and that you'll grow closer to each other. We all know how precious Luke is and I'm glad that a family equipped to meet his very, very profound special needs has welcomed him into their family.

    I can imagine the physical peace in your household now without Luke's constant screaming and hope that you find this peace soothing to your soul as you begin a new chapter in your life with a slightly smaller family.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really appreciate your support through all this, Kimi.

      Delete
  26. I have followed your blog since you brought Luke home. Thank you for your honesty and openness about your struggles. Prayers for you all as you move forward.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Dear Shecki,
    I'm praying for you and your family. I can only imagine how agonizing this decision was. I want to thank you for your honesty in sharing about your struggles with Luke. I know the far easier choice would have been to keep your struggles to yourself and thus avoid the criticism and judgments of others. But you opened yourself up for the sake of honesty and to inform other adoptive parents, and I'm so glad you did. THANK YOU. My husband and I are in the process of adopting, and your situation opened our eyes to the fact that we have been far too casual about special needs adoption. We've definitely had a "best-case scenario" mentality with no real regard for the long-term challenges. Thank you for being one of the few honest voices on the Internet that gives PAPS more than the rose-colored glasses perspective. The anguish you've walked through will be used for good in probably far more lives than you'll ever realize. Blessings to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Lucy! This is exactly why I share. Because the only stories I heard pre-adoption were the happily ever after ones. I hope to prevent other families experiencing the same anguish we have. I'm absolutely pro adoption, but let's be informed.

      I wish you all the best in your adoption!

      Delete
  28. I found your blog through Rosalind Jukic' linky party. I applaud you for doing what was necessary for your family. I know how hard it is, because we are walking the very same road. I look forward to reading more of your blog posts as yours is the first blog I have found that deals with this painful subject

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry to hear you're in the same boat. Be gentle with yourself.

      Delete
  29. Such a difficult decision to make. I pray that this decision will end up the best for everyone and for each family to grow together the way they are meant to.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your prayers, Shirene. It's not the way we hoped things would turn out, but I think it will be best in the long run.

      Delete
  30. This is just make me so mad! Not at your family....just mad in general. I hate that there is illness, pain and suffering...I hate that little ones have to hurt and mommies have to hurt. I hate that you had to go through all of this, but thankful you followed through to the end moving every mountain possible. I am thankful you saved him from a country that does not understand disabilities and that they are still valuable kiddos. I am thankful that you cared and love on him during his time with you. I am thankful you found a family to care for him in a way that you could not. I am thankful you will be able to follow his live. But most of all I am thankful for a loving Savior that redeems! Praying for redemption and healing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Andrea. I was mad for a while, too. So much suffering and injustice in the world. I guess it was bound to hit our family at some point. I'm glad we're finding our way out of the hard times. Thank you for your prayers.

      Delete
  31. While I feel sadness that you could not attach or feel true love for Luke, I am SO happy that he is now with a family who will accept and love him with his limitations. It's a big decision, but I believe it was the very best for sweet Luke. He so deserves to be accepted and held and hugged and just be the little boy God created. Praying for your family, but also for the family that stepped up to bring him home...finally.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your prayers and your insults. I also believe it was the best decision for Luke, and for our family.

      Delete