(Yes, I know, it's Thursday.) 2 weeks into the new year. How are things going? Well, for me, I'm doing better at getting my water. I'm drinking a minimum of 4 glasses these days, which I hope to increase. I'm taking my Calcium and Vitamin C every day.
Still not getting much exercise. Paul and I did take a walk around the neighborhood one evening. I've lost 3 pounds overall in the last week, but my daily weigh ins do a bit of up and down.
Tracking my food has been good for me. I'm seeing patterns. My days usually start out with a bar of some sort. Right now, I'm mixing it up with Probar Bites, Slique Bars, and Kind Bars (afflink). This is my "on the go" breakfast, which I consume while we're homeschooling in the morning.
I like my new phone keeping an eye on how many times I go up and down the stairs in my house, but some days I don't have pockets. I ended up sewing myself a little pouch so I could wear it around my neck.
I think that part of the reason my health has gotten out of control is that I've been feeling rotten about myself as a person, and so "not worthy" of taking care of myself. Which makes me more miserable, which makes me reach for the chocolate. It's a vicious cycle.
I'm starting to realize that while I may be a rotten mother to one of my children, I do want to be at my best (or at least better than this) for the rest of them. It's bound to be a journey.
Linking up with Thoughtful Thursdays and:
Boy, do you echo how I feel, rotten to one, but good for the other kids! I still struggle with similar feelings, but realize just because I struggle with a child with a SN that is more then I expected...I can still parent other kids well even if I feel bad about how I " think" I am failing! I know my enormous capacity to try hard in life and have had to realize this situation is what it is, and I did not create it, and chose it..not knowing it would be like this. But, much as I struggle, I do love my child. In the end I am choosing hard to forge ahead in life whether I suck at one thing and excel at another in my mind...I know that God will not fault me in my own "perceived" failures.because all he expects is that I do the best I can...as parents, like God is to us, this is what we would tell our kids. We would never berate our children if they tried and failed, yet as Christians we talk bad to ourseles and let other people tell us that we stink, and we are failures! And you know what, If I fail, so what? At least I tried. And I'm going to keep trying to I get to the point of no return where I just can't anymore and this has got me nearly 2 years in, so I am still in this.still....and waiting patiently, ok barely patiently where he makes it abundandly clear...why this has happened! But, for now, I am hanging in,moving forward and remembering while life can stink, God has got this so I am going to just trust and roll with it till he says....whatever. God is good Shecki, but his plans are hard so we just got to hold on to see what he has in store for us. And pray better days are ahead. God has been shocking the heck out of me the last year, so I am tightening ny seat belt as this ride ain't over y'll...so hold on tight! :O
ReplyDeleteYou sound like you're doing well. I admire your acceptance and perseverance. I'm still fighting our situation. :/
DeleteI don't feel I am doing real well, I just feel I am accepting that I can only give the best I got. Believe me when I say the situation I am in stinks, but how long do I beat myself about it? The road I have been in feels rocky and potholed and I feel like I am climbing a mountain one minute and unknowingly finding myself being nearly swollowed up by a gigantic crater all the time. I guess I am at a point in my life whereas the outcome is out of my hands. I just got to trust that Gods road leads to somewhere. That's my hope anyways. LOL. I just feel too our value IS determined by the people sitting on paradise island. You know the people who are content to sit on a deserted island and get comfortable. And then there are those who want the limelight...go do some amazing thing...rescue tons of kids, then laugh at those people in the trenches snd say how bad we are because we are weak and pathetic because we cant seem to pull up our big girl panties. Theres many out there who throw the panty word out there like its a badge of honor to " survive" the hardest kids to adopt out there. Egos with these type of people are inflated.period. Id rather me be me and be authentic and know my limits. I will try hard and give it my all but I will also accept defeat if it just dont fit. Afterall who wants to truly be someone else. I just got used to this old gals problems and I love others but i do not want to live like them. I am me and if i feel i am failing then its up to God to help and lead.
DeleteI know what you mean. I've had to stop reading certain blogs because I just feel so inadequate in comparison. I never want to be that person, that makes other people feel less than when they look at me.
DeleteOh my goodness!!! Girl! You are not a rotten parent to one of your children. You have been moving mountains to get the best medical care, educational opportunities and support for your son!!! I completely understand your exhaustion when faced with so much work and so many unknowns - it is the natural response!!! (ONE phone call with an insurance company makes me tired...). I can only say what I see from a distance - your son couldn't be in better hands! What would his life be without you? What if he had ended up with folks who don't have your experience, your drive, your capabilities? What if he ended up as the only child? With no other lovely kids to surround him? I can't imagine the stress and frustration you have experienced and wouldn't minimize your feelings - but I can't let you say you are a bad parent.
ReplyDeleteYou need to be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can and it is better than most of us could manage in the same situation.
O.T. I also have a girl from Guangxi and I love bars for breakfast - or those delicious Chocolate Belvita bites...
Thank you for your encouragement.
DeleteI haven't tried the Belvita bars! I'll have to keep an eye out for them, thanks! Always fun to add something new to my repertoire. :)
You are not a rotten parent! You have TEN kids and only one you struggle with so badly! That means you have gotten 90% right!!! So you still got an A! F is failing! Excellent is what your score is! :-)
ReplyDeleteLOL! That actually makes me feel better! At any given point, at least 70% of them like me, so I must be doing okay. ;)
DeleteDoesn't matter if they like you! That's extra credit! :-)
DeleteBut if you were to be graded...you'd get an A....but because you are handling so many...you could possibly get more
points because the average family is 4-5 people...and well you smash that number! Which means your final grade across the board will be a 95. And as a Mom snd teacher...you'd get even more points...so I would day your on the top Honor roll. End game...YOU are thee Valactorian..did I spell that right teacher? I do not have your greatness....I barely got a C average here!! :-(
LOL! :) I gave myself some grace tonight. Paul is sick, and I didn't feel like cooking, so I picked up Panda Express. Bonus points with the girls, who were thrilled. Not so great for the "diet" but it's better than cooking something low fat and then hitting the chocolate later because I feel sorry for myself, right?
DeleteI hate to admit that I don't really know your story, but -trust me in this - I DO know that God ALWAYS has a plan! You're growing, and so is your child, and God knew it all beforehand. He's got this. ;)
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, your water drinking goal is inspiring me. I think I'll start recording mine. I've been thinking about keeping a food journal, too, but I want to do it for everyone in my home and keep up with things like reactions and energy. I think I'll wait until our fast is over, though.
Thanks for the update and for linking up at WLW! Blessings!
I intended to participate in the linkup again this week, but spent Wednesday at the doctor, the ER, and the pharmacy with one of my kids. How's that for irony?
DeleteStill making progress, though, and that feels good. :) Good luck with your water!