A large family, homeschooling, adoption, special needs, whatever strikes my fancy, sort of blog.

A large family, homeschooling, adoption, special needs, whatever strikes my fancy, sort of blog.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Not Your Usual Attachment Talk - adoption linkup


I was going to write about something totally different.  I had it all planned out.  But ironically, I spent most of "Wellness Wednesday" at the doctor's office, then the Emergency Room, then the pharmacy with one of my teenagers.  The patient is going to be fine, but it was a long day.

On the way home, my child thanked me.  While I appreciate their gratitude, the interchange had echos of the almighty "attachment" for me.

See, in adoption there's this big thing called attachment, and it's such a huge deal that when it doesn't work right, there's a diagnosis for it.  RAD is Reactive Attachment Disorder, and it's every adoptive parent's fear.  There are activities you can learn to build attachment, there are attachment therapists, and books about attachment.  Adoptive parents are taught to be very deliberate in their pursuit of attachment.

But this was my biological child.

So what they said was, "Thanks Mom.  You're the real MVP."  But what I heard was, "Thank you, Mommy, that you dropped everything for me.  That even though I sometimes act goofy and annoying and don't make perfect grades, you still take care of me, even when there are so many other people vying for your time and attention."

Attachment, when lived out in a marriage, or with a biological child, is just plain love.  It encompasses acts of service, words of encouragement, hugs and snuggles, and time spent together.  It's putting the other person first.

The last year and a half has been really hard on our family, and somewhere along the way the mom I used to be got buried under the overwhelmed mom I've become.

I've drummed into my teens for years that they can always call me, day or night, and I will come get them, no questions asked.  I've told them that I would rather have them call me than get into a car with someone who's chemically unsafe to drive or if they're in a situation that just doesn't "feel right."

What they need to know, though, is that I'll always be there for them even when there's *not* a crisis.  That I can set aside what I'm doing to focus on them and enjoy them for who they are.  These moments are fleeting.  I don't have to tell you that.  "The days are long, but the years are short" is something parents start hearing as soon as they have a child, however that child enters their family.

I enjoyed my time with my teen yesterday.  --It's not how I would have chosen to spend a day with them, but then, I probably wouldn't have set aside a whole day to hang out with them without having this medical issue pop up as a "motivator."  Fortunately, it's not a painful condition, and we talked and laughed and were grossed out over the trail of blood we saw on the ER lobby floor together.  And that was what made the day special.  That we were together.

The thank you on the way home emphasized that I need to be more deliberate about spending time with all of my children.  Not just the adopted ones, in the hopes of creating secure attachment, but the bio kids, too.  Because with them love is attachment.  And love is a verb.


Linking up with Thoughtful Thursdays and:
Starfish Confidential #Adoption Talk

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17 comments:

  1. I like the way you heard the attachment behind your teen's words.

    Your post has inspired me to be a little more attuned to attaching with my kids today.

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    1. We can always use that reminder, can't we? :) Thanks for stopping by!

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  2. Ya...I feel like that anymore...I have only had two kids forever before adopting. So...I have had nearly 19 years to enjoy parenting wheras my time was just about those two....now I find myself missing the days I could give it my all. Now, as we embark on our second and hopefully final child to complete our family...I am stressing how to handle 4 plus spouse and aging parents...and I ain't getting any younger! I just got new kid and family pics and it worked out great....but still FOUR kids seems insane! I love love LOVE kids....but I think I would have to have a serious conversation with God if he sends anymore. We were not planning on another...but just fell in love with this child and know he is meant to be ours....but still I see your family and just cant imagine sooo many kids. You truly are amazing... And are holding it together well.

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    1. Oh my goodness! You're adopting again! How exciting! How old is he? I hope he helps provide positive "peer pressure" for your little girl to learn new skills! :) Congratulations!

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    2. He is 18 months old and developmentally in great shape. I would have never thought we would ever do this again. No way! The thing is we love our daughter and she is attached to us and we to her,despite it all...we still don't know how things will turn out for her and us but we are stepping out in faith. She very much wants a same nationality sibling as she seeks out any child in preschool thats of any darker skin tone and we do feel she misses China....the teacher mentions this to us often. But boy, to do it again...yikes..but hubby just loves this boy and so does our girl...who kisses his picture and points at the screen...wanting desperately to get to him. So much as I fight it, I am outnumbered as everyone here wants him and I have had to realize that life has no guarantees...but I am fighting hard to see the big picture. Our oldest child has had amazing progress having his brother and we are hopeful it will have a similar effect on her to have a child her age and culture. Plus she prefers boys over girls...which is seriously too funny. But...my biggest issue...to me...4 Kids is a lot...hubby saw his pic before we moved and was ready to jump. We had talked about ttc and he was like..I really want him so much that we can pass on getting pregnant...says the man who fiercely wanted just one more bio kid. He is so not the type to feel this strongly. About.anything...which is why I agreed to consider him. :-0 DH even got most of the funds together lined up before we accepted him to show me how serious he was....and believe me when I said..I was speechless because this is so.not.normal.for him!! Ugh! But wrapping myself around 4 kids to me is insane as I love to.give each of my.kiddos hours of individual time a day. But seeing your post today was confirmation that if you can do it with your many...why cant I do it with my few. LOL ok..

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    3. oops it cut off....thanks for keeping it real in your posts...you have helped me so much! :-)

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    4. Wow! Neat that he's the one driving this; you don't hear of many men being the one pushing for an adoption. :) If it's any consolation, 3 kids was the hardest for me to "master." 4 was easier for some reason. (5 was hard, 10 is hard, lol, the other numbers worked out pretty well.) Here's praying that in a year or two, you'll wonder how you ever managed without him. :)

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    5. I am so sure you know what you are talking about!�� I come from a family with tons of siblings, but none of us had more then 1-2 kids each... Ironically. But still... Four seems insane to me for some reason and I truly feel alot of loss missing the days wheras I sat for hours a few times a day with each of my two. My older bio kids are used to hours and hours. Every single day with me and full days for each of them on the weekends, like 12-14 hour fun days with full on attention. Way over the top stuff and its been that way for nearly two decades. So its been hard settling for 3-4 hours during naptime each day and just a few evenings a week and after she goes to sleep. They love little sis and are excited about their new brother to be... But I know its been very hard on them to know that times are changing and they arent babies anymore!!! Like really hard! Fortunately, they arent the jealous type but it does get them missing that part of their lives that is fading away and I feel it too. It makes us all cry and because of that, my boys tell me its going to be a long time before they get married, and my oldest intends to buy a townhome literally one half/one block from our new house. But I am so grateful DH took 12-13 years to come around to adopting at least so I had the rare opportunity to give an abundance to the oldest and then can do that for the youngest two, which at least makes me feel better. But ya, now that DH has adopted, he would do quite a few more if I let him. Me...I am not convinced because while I love big families, I just dont feel I am cut out for that because of the reasons I just spoke about above. But yes it is rare of a hubby to take the lead...my only requirement to him is any/ all others I want to be boys. One girl, though she is mini me and a tomboy is plenty. Hubby agrees. One princess only and as many princes as God chooses!�� I just am a sweet boy lovin mama and selfishly am glad there are way more boys now available for adoption because its where the majority of my heart has always been! But truly one more is enough, ok more then what I ideally wanted. Truthfully, I just miss having a little boy. If I never experienced having a girl, it would be sad but I could have lived either way, but I SO miss little boys bigtime, and something I couldnt easily get past ever. So I dont want regrets, you know? But still...hearing you say four isnt all that bad...I pray you are right and thank you for the encouragement cause I need it!

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    6. I think that's one of the things I grieve for with Luke. I was looking forward to having a little boy again, someone to point out trains and garbage trucks to. Which he can't see, because he's nearsighted. And doesn't even begin to understand. Boys are fun. Girls are great, too, but there's more/different drama with girls. I enjoy different things about each. I completely get wanting to have another little boy.

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  3. This is exactly where I'm at! In fact, I know I need time independently with my biological children so I can invest in them because my adopted children have such intense special needs. My energy during my interactions with all of our children mainly goes to my children with special needs. I'm not sure how it's going to look, but there may be big changes around here soon.

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    1. I'm sorry. I hope you figure out a way to meet everyone's needs without spreading yourself too thin.

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  4. Interesting post. I have a brain injury child and attachment disorder was one of the things that could have happened, (but didn't). I intentionally did things to help her attach to me. (lot of baby wearing.) Funny thing my other child is just as attached :) Hopefully they will be attached children also!

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    1. Being intentional makes all the difference. :) Best wishes with both your kids.

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  5. This is something I find most important. Being a teenager was a trying time for both my husand and I so we set aside a day a month to just hang out individually with each of our kids. Specifically, the older ones. It's proved to be a wonderful experience for us all.

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    1. That's fabulous, Nita! :) I used to be much better at connecting one on one with my teens in different ways, but it's been less often recently. I need to be more intentional about it.

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  6. What a great reminder! Thanks for linking up with #AdoptionTalk!

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    1. Thanks for stopping by, Jill! :) I enjoy your blog, and LOL at not understanding G+. I read that *after* I followed you there, lol.

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