Online interaction can be good, but it's no substitute for real people to laugh and cry with. And though our journeys ran the gamut from "hoping to travel by Christmas" for their first child, to those who've been walking the adoption journey longer than I have, and spanned every sort of adoption there is, we were brought together by the need for someone to understand that sometimes it's different to parent a child who didn't come to you the same way your friends' and neighbors' children did.
While I'm here, I'll mention that we had our 6 month post placement visit for Katie and Luke on Friday. It went so much better than our "2 weeks home" visit did, when I was sick and miserable, and Luke wasn't sleeping through the night. I liked our new social worker, and she seemed to click with us better than the last one did. (She might still think we're freaks, but she was much more professional about hiding it, if so. Which I appreciate.)
People have asked me how things are going, particularly with Luke, so I guess it's time for an update. It's going slow, but it's going. We're working on more self feeding, and he's making good progress in that area. We're also practicing "walking" him from place to place, taking advantage of his newborn stepping reflex to get him used to the idea that this is how people get around.
Luke with his physical therapist
As for how I'm doing with it, well, some days are better than others. I haven't really taken the time to grieve the bright, cute, funny Asian boy I was hoping for, the child I'll never have. It's sort of lurking beneath the surface as I see pictures of other little boys on blogs and think, "He can walk. He can _________."
I think part of the problem is that in the China special needs adoption program, you get to pick your child. And if I had known the extent of Luke's needs, I wouldn't have picked him. So, yeah, there's a lot of emotion wrapped up in all that. Let's just say, I'm not "there" yet. At the place of acceptance, maybe. The place where I say how wonderful things are. The place where I say how much we've learned or grown from having Luke in our family. We're still at the "this is hard/overwhelming/confusing/disappointing/frustrating" place. And I hate that I'm that shallow. That I can't just be the adoring mother he deserves.
I deeply appreciate all the people who have been praying for us, and hope that you will continue to do so. It's keeping me going.
Oh, how this post blessed me! I know exactly what you are talking about. We are celebrating our 9th "gotcha day" next week, and I still struggle with some of these same emotions. Thank you for your honesty.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if misery loves company or not, but it certainly helps to know I'm not alone. Thank you for the comment.
DeleteThank you Shecki for your honesty. I am sure it takes a lot of courage to post some of these posts and I admire your resilience.
ReplyDeleteTrying to keep it real. It's certainly easier to gloss over some of the hard parts, but I think if I had read other people's struggles before hand, I might have been more prepared. If I can help somebody else... well, maybe there's a silver lining.
DeleteWe are also going through a tough time, we adopted our daughter and she is 3 and still not talking...so discouraging! I so get what you are saying, I cry all the time and wonder what I did to our family. We have been home 3 months and I still wait for the day I feel like It was worth it. With 2 older teens, and just her, It has been Upsetting that my life had been super easy and now completely hard. To top it all off, I have been sick with some bug too. I adore my girl but just don't know how much more I can handle. People always talk about the fairy tale ending and no one mentions the hard. I too feel awful thinking, I had all these kids to pick and why did I pick her which makes me feel even worse!!!! So I get what you are saying!
ReplyDelete:sigh: On the one hand, I am glad, because it sounds like you truly understand what we're dealing with and you get how hard and lonely and scary it is. On the other hand, I feel your pain and hate to think of another family facing these feelings.
DeletePlease get in to see your doc and see if you picked something up! You'll feel more human once your body is well.
Hang in there. Is she in "speech" or other therapies yet?
She is on the spectrum we believe and she is delayed, though she has no physical delays at all. She makes sounds and says maybe 2 words, but nothing else. She is really smart, interacts at times but is stubborn as can be. I wouldn't call her severely difficult but she has a temper, tantrums at times, and can get so angry too. Her personality is rough at times also, moody. So much different my teen bio boys, who are super easy and probably why she seems even harder. She hasn't had any therapies, but has been evaluated, though they are lumping her as on the spectrum because they see enough there but they still really have no clue!! I feel like an emotional basket case, wondering why the heck I did this to myself. I am a Christian and believe God has a plan, but honestly the idea of possibly disolving the adoption has been brought up by us with our agency already. We do feel we all love our girl, but don't always like her and feel sick to the stomach at times wishing we had not done this. I have chronic health concerns too that Have come back up on me too due to the stress. Our girl has always slept through the night, but the weight of our decision feels almost too overwhelming at times. I still can have bio kids but always felt called to adopt and now struggle with why! I look at her and think and pray, if only she could do this or that, I would feel better about things. I strangely feel like if had she been able to be more "there" I have no doubts that I would have no regrets. I guess reality is different then what I expected going in this the first time. When I read your post I could feel the same emotions coming from you. The only thing that is different is that you have 2 other adopted children that at least are going well, for us if the wheels fall off, this will leave such an empty hole of regret, sadness and failure for the family we had hoped to have. And even I'd we decided to have another bio child, we still would have this big void. We had so hoped that we would have a good ending and hoped to adopt again, now all of this has us wondering, now what? While I am generally a pretty positive person by nature, still these feelings really hurt! I just keep praying for Gods purpose and direction!! I know our daughter has social, language and some developmental delays, but can do anything physical and seems to understand what we say. What issues does your son face?
ReplyDeleteWe're "pre-diagnosis" with Luke. The UCDavis MIND Institute says, "It's not autism, but he's at risk for an autism dx in the future." His neurologist says, "I don't know." We're being sent to UCSF next. Basically, he has no language, no mobility, and is just now barely learning to feed himself.
DeleteI hope you get a diagnoses soon! I know I generally know and trust my instinct on my kids and what's wrong with them or even me. I have been right practically every time! Sometimes us Moms know more then the doctors do! I will be praying you get your answers! I know I felt hesitation adopting our child, but my husband talked me out of it, even though he knew it wasn't totally right either. He regrets that now, though we all love our girl but with her unknowns, we just aren't sure we can handle things long term. Sad, really. But, we are trying hard and praying things turn around, which they are to some degree months later. But will it be enough, only time will tell. If she was delayed in every area badly, I know for me I just couldn't keep going or handle that! Fortunately, you are a very seasoned Mom, I only have 2 kids before adopting her so my limits are far less then yours. I feel like if anyone can do it, you can but still it's got to be tough!!! In our case, language is the biggest issue she has and we are big talkers so it's a huge issue for us. Well got to go, will be praying for your boy, God Bless!
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