Tears of fury brimmed and spilled over as I stared into my communion cup. Worse than the occasional bickering before church on a Sunday, we actually fought in the hallway dropping the kids off at Sunday School this time. This isn't me. Who is this cranky wench?
The ugly words I'd hissed at him make my cheeks flame. "If he's such a blessing, why can't somebody else be blessed for an hour?"
The daily hours of screaming and whining are wearing on both of us, and likely the kids, too, although they roll with it a lot better than we parents do. The rare times when I get out of the house, I open the door to come back in, and I hear Luke. Heaviness descends on me like the lead shield at the dentist's office. It's a weight I carry all of his waking hours.
Looking into the tiny cup of juice, I pray, "God, why have you done this to me?" But that's not really fair, either. I was the one who wanted a boy. Even though He so clearly brought Katie to our family, I had to have a boy, too. I was the one who couldn't wait for the perfect match. I was willing to take a chance on whatever file I could get that wouldn't slow us down. No, I sigh, God didn't do this to me.
God is perfect. God's plan is perfect. We stray from that perfect plan over and over again. And I imagine Him looking down from heaven, saying, "Recalculating route," with a sigh, like a cosmic Magellan
. As much as I just want this to all go away, as much as I would rather wake up tomorrow and have Luke climb out of his crib, open his door and come tell me to make him some breakfast, I know that's not going to happen.
I also know, that somewhere on the other side of this, there is good. I can't see it yet. I can't even imagine what it might be. But I trust in a Perfect God. Oh, I struggle! Fighting over whether or not to put Luke in Sunday School makes it painfully obvious that I'm still not embracing it. But deep down, I know. He's got it all under control.
I once lamented that we didn't get the "cool story" like so many other families do, of God's provision during their adoption. Maybe that's why I don't think God will choose to heal Luke, even though I know He could if He wanted to. I doubt we'll get the cool story this time, either. Much like we paid for our adoptions through Paul's hard work, we simply have to do the work that comes along with caring for a profoundly delayed child and wait to see what God has in store for us.
No, I'm not perfect. I never will be. Even if I someday get to that enviable point where I can smile and say that we're glad we adopted Luke, I still won't be a perfect mom or a perfect person. But I know Who is. And I'm putting my mustard seed sized faith in the fact that He knows how this is all going to play out, and His Word says that, "All things work together for good for those who are called according to His purpose." Despite my imperfections.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart today. I am struggling with some feelings and attitudes this week - thanks for the reminder that He can handle it and, despite me, He can make it all good.
ReplyDeleteHow is it that we tend to forget something so simple: He's got this. The kids and I have been learning about the Hebrews in the wilderness, and it's easy to say, "How could they forget so quickly?" but we do the exact.same.thing. don't we?
DeletePraying for you Shecki! I know how hard it is. I have a son (adopted) that screamed and whined for most of his first 5 years. It's incredibly stressful on the whole family. Is there any respite service available for you guys? I completely relate to your feelings and struggles. May the Lord bless you and uphold you.
ReplyDeleteRespite isn't available until he turns 3. Believe me, I asked!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAnn MarieDecember 19, 2013 at 7:58 AM
ReplyDeleteShecki first big hugs and know that I am praying with and for you!
I know our situations are in no way nearly the same but I am struggling with my son with ADD. His new medication seems to have the adverse effect of making him MORE oppositional than usual. It is truly wearing on my last nerve. He just turned nineteen and is seeing his dr. On his own now. They decided to add a RX to his concerta and I am not so sure I like it but he doesn't seem to see the difference.
It is very hard to accept our children the way they are and it makes loving them even harder.
I always remember an earlier post of yours saying that when you were having troubles with loving and accepting one of your other sons (don't remember which one) that you put post it notes on your bathroom mirror to remind you that you DO live him and to work harder on showing it to him.
Maybe we both need a few post it notes this week?
Yes! It was actually a wallet sized picture. I put his picture on my bathroom mirror, and now, he's one of my favorites. :) I tell him he's in the top 10, LOL. :D
DeleteAnd we both know that God really is in charge and He will eventually bring us through our difficult times and that the peace on the other side of the fence is much greater than the green grass that we think is on the other side of other people's fence!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Ann Marie. :)
DeleteShecki, I am praying for you. We exchanged PMs when my husband and I found out that our new son has significant delays. We've been home 10 days with our little guy now, and I understand your fear and misgivings. Know that you are not alone. I am praying that we both can be the mothers that our boys need.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I'll pray that jet lag passes quickly for you guys and that you settle into your new normal as gently as possible! :)
DeleteKeeping your family in my prayers! My son rejected me for the first few weeks home and it has made me realize how much that feedback we get from our children helps to cultivate loving feelings within ourselves. At least if you have a profoundly delayed child biologically then you have some hormonal feedback, but you don't get that with adoption. Don't feel guilty at all for those feelings! It might take a long time to feel those maternal feelings and to mourn the loss of the child you thought you would have. Just keep working on it day by day.
ReplyDelete"that feedback we get from our children helps to cultivate loving feelings within ourselves." THIS! He doesn't light up when he sees me. He doesn't smile at me. In fact, he usually acts quite annoyed that I'm disturbing him from his rocking or tic-ing. Caring for him is so thankless. Thank you for understanding!
DeleteThank you so much for showing the world your true feelings. Everyone says "adoption is hard" but very few actually post about the hard parts in detail. I've been struggling with one of our two newly adopted girls and I often feel like I'm the only out there who can't connect with their child. Sadly, I can't even say that I like her most days! It eases a little of the guilt when I hear that these are not uncommon feelings though. So thank you, again. Prayers for you and your family and little Luke!
ReplyDeleteYour Emily and my Katie must be very close in age! K turned 3 in September. :) I peeked at your blog, and omigoodness, your baby is one cute little dumpling! How do you keep from nibbling on her little rolls all day long?? (I'm a biter. Katie tells me "No eat!" when I gnaw on her little arms, lol.)
DeleteShecki you need to cut yourself (and maybe Luke) a little slack. It's only been a couple of months and he is severely delayed. I am a bit ashamed to tell you that I hated my autistic son for years. Of course I adored him one minute, but I spent many hours begging God to take this cup away from me. I cried all the time for the child I had dreamed of and never would have, I remember many nights screaming that I had wanted a child, not a lifelong project. My son, while not quite as delayed as Luke, was pretty bad and made it very hard to love him. Our lives were arranged around endless therapies; we had therapists in our houses five days a week, and when they left I had a gorgeous little boy who screamed and rarely paid me any attention. But, I want to tell you, things got better. He learned to walk, feed himself, talk, and calmed down so that we could see glimpses of his personality. It took years, not months. He is 12 now and I still have my moments, but I just wish I could have had someone hug me 12 years ago and tell me things would get so much better and I would actually grow to love this boy that God entrusted to me. I know how hard it is,and want you to know I am praying for you, your family, and especially Luke
ReplyDeleteThank you. I appreciate your honesty.
DeleteHugs to you. Thank you for your honesty and hang in there. If I could take him off you for a few hours while you grabbed a cup of coffee, I sure would.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the offer! :)
DeleteFor our family, disolving our adoption may be what's right for our daughter and us. We are mourning what could have been. In our case, we love her and want what's best for her. If we go this route then the only way to have our dream of another child is to get pregnant again. But this will still be a hard choice, because nothing could replace her. :-(. We so wanted her, but I do think what makes some stick it out vs dissolution is personality. I'd love to say my true faith in God comes in play , but that would be only part of it. By nature, I am sensitive, and compassionate to the extreme and it is that tendency IN me that causes my heart to break knowing I can do little to help her. Can I handle her limitations, absolutely, but because she has had years in an orphanage I have had no input in what HAS happened to her. Guess I have a hard time accepting what she could be like, even with a special need HAD I gotten her a long time ago. THIS is what I can't get I over and what will drive me to work super hard to help her. But, this deep desire, as have in the past before, will wreck every area of my life. I would be the type of person to move mountains but in the end will destroy what's In that's mountains path. So, I have to pray about what to do. In the end, I need to be able to take care of my husband, myself and my other kids, not just her. If I can't do that then I feel like the right thing to do us seriously consider giving her up. Which is sickening because we Want her, even broken long as we feel she wants us, which is another hard thing to accept. My Mom is also heartbroken and loves her new Grandaughter so much, but agrees to keep her would likely mean, my life would be all about her. Had she been an only, I could consume myself in Her. I am no stranger to special needs, my other kids have issues too that I managed to work out beautifully. But with her, it would be her all the time. Just hard to grasp this may be how it ends, just so awful! :-(
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are struggling just as much as we are. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Best wishes to you, whatever you decide.
DeleteWe are struggling, the sadness overcomes us so much, especially since I had serious concerns moving forward with her and my husband dismissed his concerns, it's been a huge source of conflict as well. Our children love her and I feel like if I find her another family they will fall apart, yet keeping her is just as difficult on us all. It feels like she's like a vegetable, but with moods and activity. She likes us but likes anybody too, so we don't feel like she would even know if she went to a new home. Her eyes at times look void of her being there...sometimes we will notice a glimmer and get hopeful only to be let down again. It's too much of a roller coaster. She is so physically active jumping and putting her hands up for anyone to pick her up, but she's shutdown and out if it. How can she understand what's said to her and yet not talk or connect that often? With the holidays coming, it feels like a sad time, I had imagined this child so excited for the tree and she will sit in front of it and stare and touch ornaments in a daze as she moves her hands and contorts her face. Other then her tantrums, which have improved some, the house can be quiet, even with a toddler there. It's quite sad and not what I had thought this first Christmas would be like for her. I read others blogs and think, that will never be us, will she ever do that, how can she be aware of so much yet not be with it. Her issues do not feel spectrum orientated but feel at times more mental, like something happened to her and she can't cope and most likely never will. So hard! How do you decide to continue and can you even? I know for me, I go back and forth, but most days it's pretty sure that's the direction we will go, so I take the time to hold her and study her face knowing someday, likely she will no longer be mine. But no matter what happens I have learned so much from her these months! I just want the best for her whether it's with us or elsewhere but it will be a hard decision! :-(
DeleteIs she getting early intervention or other therapies? Is your agency helping you make this tough decision? How old is she? I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteShe is 3 and hasn't had any therapies yet, she loves her new home but we feel like she isn't always "there", our agency and homestudy agency say we are doing great with her but it doesn't feel like it. Physically she is gaining wait and looks great, but mentally I just feel like she is not with it, and it's so sad. She is absolutely beautiful and we love her, but all we want to do us hear her speak or come out of the stupor she's in! :-(
ReplyDeleteHow long has she been with you? I know well the feeling of, "that will never be us." I get jealous of people whose kids can walk.
DeleteI'd be interested to hear what some therapists have to say, and if she ends up with a dx of apraxia. Contact your school district and request an evaluation for her. Getting her speech therapy and possibly other therapies may make a huge difference for you all.
Do you blog? I'd love to see a picture of her. My Katie is 3, as well. :)
Our girl has been evaluated and will begin services last week of January, finally. Their goals with her will be speech and cognitive mostly and a little behavioral- though we feel she wont need that very long as she imitates and learns very fast. They also want us to get a feeding therapy evaluation, but we may not do that, because her eating is going along better, though she needs to learn to chew. But she does enjoy looking and trying out whats in OUR bowls. LOL They think she is autistic, but don't know what truly is what till some time passes. She is making progress, but still waiting for the talking to truly begin. I so want that! She is great health/physical wise and is thriving living here and in the last 2 weeks is finally seemingly attaching to me. Big time! Her preference for me is so nice to see, though she is turning into my shadow! LOL. My gut instinct says mild, low moderate PDD, or maybe mild autism, she is more autistic "acting" then my oldest, but less severe then regular major autism. She answers to her name, makes good eye contact, and puts hands up to be held. She will occasionally bring me her toys, always drags me places and brings me her bottle so she can be on my lap. If she is truly autistic, she is something totally abnormal for sure! She stims and makes hand movements, doesn't talk, only babbles and says Mama, sticks her fingers in holes of toys and carries them around and makes weird faces, but other then that she could seem at times pretty normal. We have had her about 4 months, but we don't blog or do any social media things, only use the Internet for reading and homeschooling! We are pretty old school, even though my DH is a computer guy in an office! LOL
DeleteSounds like things are looking up for you! Maybe she'll be a good candidate for an iPad communication program? At least until the speech comes along a bit.
DeleteShe loves technology, so anything like that will be a winner for her! I feel she may be able to learn sign, if regular speaking is harder, she signs 2 words so far. And I am sure she would do more if I worked with her. Thanks so much for all your supportive words, hopefully Luke is doing better? We are all praying for you!
DeleteThat's great! Do you have any Baby Signs or Signing Time DVDs? Luke's therapists keep signing with him, but he totally doesn't make the connection, at all. No "Mama" no signs, no words, nothing.
DeleteI know a little sign from childhood and learned some other ones before she came home. I don't have any baby sign DVDs but I want to get them ASAP, as I believe she could pick it up. My DH has been teaching her things, like putting her dirty clothes in the hamper, etc....she learns pretty fast, so he is going to continue to work on a new skill with her. She needs a lot of help and my goal for now is to give her some more time and pray what role I will ultimately play in her life. Right now, it seems she is viewing me as important enough because she shows preference to me almost all the time, so something to build on, but the rest is a mystery, on IF she can talk, etc. Hubby and I have been talking as we do for hours and days, and realize that our older two need a lot of attention, even as older teens, so likely we have decided that we probably won't ttc another child. While many families can handle lots of children, including yours, we realize even more now, we all need major nurturing and time together to talk, etc. Our kids need that and so do we or we as a family crumble emotionally fast. Our older 2 literally have never been hard at all, even with the oldest being on the spectrum himself and neither has ever went through any discipline or attitude issues, EVER. We attribute this to the exceptiinally large amount of daily attention they have received, so it would be hard to take away what they have grown to love about our family, so the chances of us adopting again are slowly looking less each day! :-( Ultimately, in the end we need to do what is right for everyone, so we continue to minimize our life down in hopes our new daughter and other 2 can receive ALL that they require and so far it's working! :-) I will continue to pray for Luke! Hope he shows progress soon, he is a cutie!!!
DeleteAs I read this, I imagined the petals of a flower slowly beginning to unfold in the sunlight. It sounds like your little girl is beginning to bloom. :)
DeleteThanks! I sure am hoping she is blooming! :-) Today, we totally moved her playroom to another side of the house and we thought she would freak out with the new change, but the exact opposite happened, she began to make all kinds of verbalizations and smiles of total excitement and happiness! So funny to watch her, guess she needed a change too! LOL. We flipped the living room and playroom so that when services begin at the end of the month, she has a quieter place to do that in the new space and I am so glad and relieved she likes it! YAY! We are super organized and super duper clean in our house, not a spot of dirt anywhere and our little girl loves cleanliness like my other two, so much in fact, I am beginning to wonder if she is in fact, somehow genetically mine! :-). She acts EXACTLY like my other two at that age, WEIRD how similar she is to my family in more ways then I can count... Nuts really!!!! :-0
DeleteGlad the playroom move didn't upset her. You never know what will go well or not well with our special little ones. Sometimes the smallest thing ("Eat breakfast in your jammies and then we'll get into your pretty dress for pictures.") will set them off, yet a new house or school is no big deal.
Delete