During church today, we sang a song I've sung dozens of times, but one line really hit me. "Author of all eternity." Suddenly, it dawned on me that God has the whole book of my life written, and if I'm only on chapter 6, I can't see yet what amazing things happen in chapter 8. I've been trying to force my passion, my dream, and I need to chill out and watch how He makes things unfold.
A dear friend once reminded me, "The good is the enemy of the best." That's so true. I want GOOD things. Noble things, even! But if it's not God's timing, it's not the BEST thing.
Looking back, if anyone had told me 10 or even 5 years ago that we would have Hannah, I wouldn't have believed them. I could only see the present. Now that present is the past, and I sit in a new present, where I have evidence of God's amazing goodness all around me. This house I'm sitting in is an unexpected blessing! Even though I can't see the future, I'm confident that however it plays out, He's got it all written already. Nothing that happens is going to surprise God.
I think I need to find a balance between turning my back on the dreams God has put in my heart, and actively seeking what I want God's plan to be. Because apathy is not balance. And my sinful reaction to "wait" is a tantrum-y, "Fine, never mind! Who wants that anyway? I'll just pretend I don't care." That doesn't work because we're called to care.
Okay, then. I'll stay on this page for as long as He wants me to. Taking care of my family and being available to what God has for us next.