A large family, homeschooling, adoption, special needs, whatever strikes my fancy, sort of blog.

A large family, homeschooling, adoption, special needs, whatever strikes my fancy, sort of blog.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Pathetically honest

I missed the light on these pictures.  I really wanted to take them yesterday before the sun disappeared, but managed to forget between the van and the house.  
It's been that kind of week.

We have a beautiful tree in front of our house.  It's covered in pink flowers.  

A few days ago, I was inside and notice a small burst of pink was visible from the second story window across from my bedroom.  I realized I hadn't been paying attention, or I would have noticed the lovely tree sooner.  

But I've been distracted lately.
In the last month, we've done:
6 adoption physicals
3 TB tests
3 lab visits
1 child x-ray, 2 grown up x-rays
an orthodontist visit
an eye dr. visit
a 6 hour emergency room visit
a trip to Shriners
a trip to Sports Medicine
a visit with orthopedics
and an unmentionable "other" doctor's appointment

not to mention...
beginning of football season
beginning of kindergarten
beginning of homeschool
and family pictures (trust me, it's more stressful than it sounds).

After typing it all out, I'm surprised I can remember the WORD for tree, let alone have the fleeting thought that I'd like to photograph the flowers.

That doesn't stop me from feeling HUGELY guilty, however.
About what, you ask?
Our adoption.

Oh, not in the sense you might be thinking.
I know, crazy as life is right now, that this season will pass fairly quickly.
By the time Katie gets here, this summer will be another crazy story in our family repertoire.   
I'll get through it.  Paul will heal, situations will resolve, and we'll find "normal" again.

I don't feel guilty for adopting.

And despite all the other busyness we've had, I've still managed to notarize documents, send stuff to both our agencies, exchange dozens of adoption related emails, work on fundraisers, and gather/fill out/submit paperwork, and have our first homestudy visit.

I'm not feeling guilty that I could be doing more on the adoption front, because that just isn't the case.

I'm feeling guilty because I'm feeling so much like this poor, shriveled, bedraggled flower that I haven't had the chance to obsess about my baby on the other side of the world.   

I don't gaze longingly at her picture every day.
like I did with Hannah's
I don't wonder every morning what she's doing right now.
like I wondered about Hannah

When we were expecting Hannah, I lovingly sewed little outfits for her 
and hung them over her crib in our room.

I ordered a dress for Katie last month.
When it came, I opened the package and stuck it in a drawer.  Not even her drawer, as she doesn't have a dresser yet.

While we waited to travel for Hannah, I poured over baby/toddler catalogs, dreaming and wishing.
Today, the Toys R Us flier came in the mail, and I flipped through it, sighed, and tossed it.

Perhaps it's like a second pregnancy, in a sense.  
Because we've done this before, I have more confidence it will really, actually, eventually, happen.

But it feels like I'm "neglecting" her because I have so many other things going on right now, 
I just don't have time to think about her.

I know I'll obsess later.
Waiting for all the important milestones that come in the process:

In the meantime, however, I appreciate reading other adoptive family blogs because they are so encouraging to me.  Today, for example, this verse was shared on a blog I read:  
"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you"
Proverbs 55:22a
That, I think I can do.

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