A large family, homeschooling, adoption, special needs, whatever strikes my fancy, sort of blog.

A large family, homeschooling, adoption, special needs, whatever strikes my fancy, sort of blog.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Sticking My Neck Out

I don't normally post controversial issues.  Mine is a fluffy blog about raising a big family, and adoption, and whatever else pops into my head.  So this feels weird for me, but I'm genuinely interested.  


Wow, what a loaded word.

Recently there has been a lot of "chatter" on Facebook about gay rights.  I'm friends with a lot of people with different belief systems than myself, and most of the time that's great.  But lately, it seems like all the Pro-Gay stuff is also Anti-Christian, which is very off putting.  (Probably because so many Christians are Anti-Gay, I'm starting to understand.)

I love the blog world.  I love seeing how other families do their thing.  I love the challenge of thinking about something from another viewpoint.  I love looking at pictures of cute adopted kids.

If you follow my rabbit trail to how I got to thinking about homosexuality, it goes like this:

I was reading this blog which linked to this post which linked to this post.   Are you with me so far?  Okay.  Having read all of those, my mind was spinning.  The final link *really* challenged my thinking.  Gay and Christian in the same sentence?  In the same person?? 

I hope you'll hear my heart in this.  I don't hate anybody.  But I was raised In Church, and fairly sheltered.  And I went to Christian schools, starting in junior high.  I got married young, had a bunch of kids, and surrounded myself with people fairly similar to myself.  Honestly, I don't know even one gay person.

I know that Jesus loves everyone, including gay people.  And I know that I've been taught all my life that homosexuality is wrong.

So when I start asking questions, I hope you'll take hear them from my ignorant point of view, not a bigoted one.

Setting aside the question of whether being gay is a choice or not, mainly because I haven't fully wrapped my head around that yet, here are some question I would love to have answered, both from a Side A and a Side B point of view.

For those who are Christian, and I know this sounds weird, but hear me out, what difference does it make if you're gay or not?  Sex outside of marriage is sin in the Bible.  So anyone, whether gay or straight, who is in a sexual relationship outside of marriage is sinning.  Why do gay Christians who are committed to celibacy need to make a big deal about their sexuality?  Sex and fantasies are supposed to be private, right?

It's funny, because as I ponder this, I feel like I'm asking a Jew in 1940 Germany to "pass" as gentile.  It's not that I'm trying to shove the issue (or the people) back into the closet for my own comfort, it's more, why is this a big deal?  Why flaunt your gayness?  Why the need to be part of the "gay culture," which, admittedly, I know very little about.

Here's my analogy:  Homosexuality is no bigger a sin than any other sin.  Take stealing for instance.  It's wrong, right?  But if I think about taking something, am I better off trying to put the thought out of my head, or am I better off hanging out with thieves and endorsing their exploits?  Which one is going to lead me further into temptation?

If I'm way off base here, and I freely admit the possibility, please gently share so I can understand.  I'm not talking about the non-Christians, who don't think religion should govern what they do in the bedroom. I can understand that.  I'm talking about, and this feels weird to type, Christian gay people.


  1. I read a great book about this called "Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth" by Jeffery Satinover. It's the best, most loving, most educational book on this topic. I used to have the same questions you do, and this book helped me immensely. Satinover is a psychologist/psychiatrist and has worked with people who have unwanted same-sex attractions. As a Christian, I accept God's design for human sexual activity (one man/one woman/marriage.) Everything outside that is considered sin, regardless of who the partner is. I also agree that sexual sin is no worse than any other sin. Having said that, only God can judge the human heart, and in the end, He will accept/condemn. Satinover's premise is that homosexual behavior stems from many factors, and change of behavior is possible. Just as turning from any sin is possible. But we need God's help, and we need to humble ourselves before him. This puts all people on the same plane. We are all sinners; we all need redemption. Homosexual behavior is not exempt from that equation. Order Satinover's book online...it's really so enlightening, and loving.

  2. Very interesting post, something we have been discussing a lot in our family lately. With Ashley in a secular college studying theater arts along with Mathematics, she now has homosexual friends, some who profess to be Christians, some who do not. Luckily they all seem to graciously accept each others stances and have some interesting discussions among themselves. I believe we will see people in heaven who call themselves homosexual here on earth. Sin is sin and it all comes down to the state of their heart and what they do with the person of Jesus Christ. You are right, sin is sin is sin no matter what sin it is, it keeps us separated from God until we accept the free gift of grace then God will make the changes in a person. I am sure this is something we will continue to discuss in detail. Thanks mare ball for the book recommendation, I am going to order it.

  3. What a thoughtful and completely genuine post. I appreciate how respectfully you posed these questions. I can only tell you my own experience which may only complicate things more for you. I was raise evangelical and am very adamant about my faith. I struggled for a long time with the idea that I am gay and for a long time thought I needed to stay celibate or kill myself if I couldn't. I knew I could not make myself straight. There is very little evidence that you can change an actual gay person straight. You can, I suppose, change your actions or suppress your attractions but if you are gay, you usually stay that way (unless you are Bi-Sexual which is a whole new can of worms). After a few years of sadness and loneliness, I just became bitter and rejected the church and its teachings. I couldn't change who I was so why should I be involved with a religion who hated me. This made me feel even more alone. I finally met someone who took me to a church that was more tolerant of me and who I was and I found God again. I studied both sides and came to the conclusion that even if what I do is not necessarily the best design, I was still a child of God. To say that I am forced to remain alone forever or burn in hell seemed to me like God has no grace or love at all. What then about all the others in the world who have the Holy Spirit in their life but don't quite measure up. I just can't bring myself to imagine the love I feel for my partner of 3 years is something that God despises. Perhaps its not ideal but I have to have faith that the Holy Spirit and God's grace have me covered. And if it turns out that I am wrong (and most Christians might disagree), at least I had love in my life and was able to share it with my better half. Now to answer you question, "why does it need to be flaunted?" Do you consider holding hands with your husband flaunting sex? I wouldn't know because I'm to terrified to even hug my partner goodbye sometimes because I fear we may be attacked. When you tell someone over and over that they are an abomination for something they have felt since puberty and that who they fundamentally are makes you sick on TV and on FOX news etc...Sometimes people just "snap". None of my friends can understand why I'm a Christian because they think that all Christians are hateful people with pitchforks and torches coming to get us. We have all gone into defense mode at this point pitting person against person. What you see on TV and on the news are the two extremes. Most Christians are lovely caring people and most gays are pretty quiet respectful people who have no intention of dancing shirtless down the street on a rainbow colored float. The real question now is how do we show each other Christ's love and how do we respect (this mean respectfully disagree sometimes) each other. I certainly respect you and your beautiful kids. They seem to have a wonderful caring mom.

    1. Sorry that last sentence should say "You seem to BE a wonderful caring mom".

  4. I'd like to respond to your main question of why those who are gay and believe acting on their orientation would be a sin feel the need to come out.

    I was in that place for 33 years. I've known I was gay since elementary school, but it wasn't safe for me to come out in my family, my school, or my church. So I hid my orienation. I told myself, "I'm never going to act on these feelings, so why does anyone need to know?"

    But this secret is a very difficult one to keep. Not to toot my own horn but I'm intelligent, financially successful, and reasonably good looking. But I rarely dated. (I did try to make the straight feelings kick in by dating women in high school and college, but it never worked. And every major psychiatric and medical organization agrees: sexual orientation doesn't change.)

    People were always asking me: Why aren't you dating? Why don't you go out with so-and-so? I had to lie and make up excuses for why I didn't date. (And I made a decision not to date because it wasn't fair to the women I dated. I had several who became attached to me, but I just couldn't feel the same way about them. After hurting a couple of women, I just decided not to date anymore. It was better that way.)

    And the lies were killing me. I felt horrible for misleading my family and friends. Eventually, I built up so many walls that people felt like they had a really hard time relating to me, and I couldn't have any close friends. So I had to come out. I had to tell the truth. And my life has been so much better since because I can be honest about who I am.

    Most people who just casually meet me have no idea that I'm gay. The difference now is that when the topic of relationships comes up, I don't lie about who I am. Well, most of the time. It's still not really safe to come out in many situations--that's a big thing that needs to change. Many Christians need to realize that there are gay people in the world. Coming out is an act of love and trust. Judging someone for just being gay is a betrayal of love and trust.

  5. As a person who understands the Bible when I read it I know God does not make people homosexual.

    How we feel is wrapped in our physical, emotional, spirit, upbringing, environment etc. When a feeling does not match up with the word we need to lay ourselves on the alter and release them.

    If we allow our feelings to dictate how we are going to label ourselves we will get what the world has to offer.

    God made humans to be heterosexual. That is His perfect design. Everything else is deviation. Whether it is a deviation from the heart of flesh or else where it is still deviation from the divine design of God.

    Allowing heart and minds to deviate from the original plan while bodies remain celibate to honor the letter of the sexual laws is not the best that God has for humanity.

    He will deliver those who will call upon Him and really press in to have His best. I am not saying that will all happen with one prayer or over night.

    There are perhaps many different reasons why a person finds them self struggling with this issue. They need the freedom and support to heal with grace.

    I have seen this happen in at least 4 cases including my own. Don't be fooled people. The Bible does not mince words on this issue. We can't try and make it say something it does not or invent new ways for people to slip under the radar.