A large family, homeschooling, adoption, special needs, whatever strikes my fancy, sort of blog.

A large family, homeschooling, adoption, special needs, whatever strikes my fancy, sort of blog.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Luke Has Moved, Again


Longtime readers know our story, but for those who may be new to the blog, I'll recap.

In 2013, we adopted Luke from China.  He was not quite 2 years old at the time.  He was very delayed, but we assumed with love, good nutrition, and early intervention, he would catch up.  "Worst case scenario" in my (rather clueless) mind was that he'd still need an IEP when he was school aged to help him get through school.  I felt we could handle that.

His first year home was a whirlwind of doctors appointments and therapy.  We took him everywhere we could think of to work toward getting a diagnosis so we'd know how best to help him get on track.  He had a multitude of tests run.

In early 2015, we finally got a firm diagnosis.  The genetic counselor sat there and told us he was not going to get better.  That in several years, he will begin to decline.  That he would eventually lose the ability to swallow, but would linger on, probably to middle age, and likely die of pneumonia.

It was very overwhelming.  In one sense, it was a relief to know that nothing we could do would help him.  It wasn't that we hadn't found the magic panacea.  There wasn't one.

Ultimately, we decided to place Luke with a family who was better equiped to handle his total lifetime care needs.  We said goodbye to him in April 2015 and started to find our "new normal" as a family.  After a couple of months, things were stable enough that we agreed to host 2 toddlers for a family in crisis.  Then in August 2015, I got an email from the attorney handling the adoption.  4 months into a 6 month finalization period, the other family wanted out.

Paul hopped on a plane the following week and went to pick him up.  It was good to see Lukey again.  He'd grown, noticably, and he had started scooting himself around in a seated position, instead of only on his back, like before.  We were encouraged to see this new skill.

We decided not to make any decisions about Luke until after the toddlers went home.  The toddlers left in October, and then I left for China on an advocacy trip (and the jet lag that followed).  Finally, between Thanksgiving and Christmas, we realized that all the reasons we had chosen to place Luke with another family were still valid, and having him here was not a feasable long term solution.

We considered a group home.  But aside from the cost factor, it's not a family.  We felt he would do better in a family, if one could be found for him.  So we started the search again.

It's not easy to find a family willing to take on a child with diagnoses like Luke's.  At times, it was a very discouraging search.  But eventually, through dozens of emails, we connected with the right family.  We started talking in March, and in May, we met with a social worker to go over placement paperwork.

Luke has now moved to their house.  It will be 6 months before the adoption is finalized, if all goes well.  Luke's new family has extensive experience with special needs, both personally and professionally.  Please pray that he continues to transition well with them, and that this will be the last stop for him.  Although he's not cognitively capable of RAD, or physically capable of RAD behaviors, I know consistency is good for him.



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20 comments:

  1. I was on RQ and I remember when you first mentioned there that Luke had a new family I breathed a sigh of relief for your family. I was heartbroken when it didn't work out.

    I can't imagine the struggles you all have faced. My prayer is you all to have peace and comfort. And praying that this will be Luke's forever family.

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    1. Thank you. Peace would be lovely. I'm so nervous that something will go wrong this time, too. We were completely blindsided when he came back last time.

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  2. We are praying that all works out this time. I know the just a bit of the struggles you are dealing with. Our daughter (who we still have custody of but no longer lives with us) is on her second placement outside of our home. She is having extreme behavior problems in her current home and I don't know how long the highly trained family will hang in there. She may need to move in few months again. I wish our system had better support for families and children.
    Blessings, Dawn

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    1. I'm sorry, Dawn. People talk about "resources" like there are all these helpful programs out there and we're just not trying hard enough. :sigh: There's a whole lot of brokenness in this world. I hope you're able to find a good fit for her.

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  3. Wow! What a story! I will definitely pray for your precious Luke.

    And I understand about when you know you're not the right family for a particular child . . . our newest 4 have an older sibling that we tried to have placed with us, but we couldn't make it work. It's hard to not be the right family.

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    1. I appreciate your prayers. It is hard to not be the right family for him.

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  4. I'm so glad you were able to find another family! Will be praying this is the right family. Finalization before Christmas, right? That would be a wonderful gift for all involved!

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    1. Thank you, Kelly. The actual date depends on how busy their local court system is. And how on top of things their social worker is. If they schedule the date in advance, it could be done by Christmas. If they wait until Luke's been in the home 6 months and then schedule finalization, and they courts are busy, it will be longer. It would be a great Christmas gift to be able to relax and know that we can move forward without a backup plan "in case Luke comes back."

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  5. I'd been wondering about this. Praying all goes well. Miss you all...

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    1. oops, no signature. Danette!

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    2. Thanks, Danette! I'd love to see you guys. Now that summer is here, we should do a park day. :)

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  6. Our prayers are with you. I really didn't understand at first, I admit, but a recent foster child with FASD in my home really opened my eyes to a lot of possibilities...and I can say now that I "get it." Much love to you all!

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    1. I know there was a lot I didn't understand before we hosted kids through Safe Families. Interacting with families with a totally different life than ours really gave me a new perspective. It's funny how we don't know how much we don't know, you know?

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  7. Dawn, my heart goes out to you. I can easily imagine what you are going through because I'm living the same thing. I'd love to connect with you.

    None of this is easy, that's for sure. All the adoption classes I took focused on the trauma that the children have been through but nothing was ever mentioned about the trauma parents may go through. I, too, have a child, actually three children, whose special needs turned out to be far, far more serious than their files indicated. I read everything I could get my hands on and thought I was so informed beforehand. I read about how the child you receive at the time of adoption isn't really who the child is, that the fright and trauma of the situation can cause them to shut down, act out, etc... In my experience of 4 adoptions, though, I found that my children were exactly who they really were from the day I got them and onward. I think that with babies and very young children, they do cope in ways that may mask who they really are and what their abilities are, but not with older kids. I have learned that even for children raised in orphanages, if they've been in public school, they should have certain skills and if those skills are missing, there's a darn good reason why.

    I didn't mean to get on my soapbox, but it seems that a lot of us are dealing with children with special needs far, far more severe than we were told and that this information was deliberately withheld from us at the time of adoption and it's had a devastating effect on our lives. Certain families are prepared and willing to parent children with severe special needs, but others are not.

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  8. Hugs - I was just thinking about you all and praying that this placement serves all needs. Praying peace over your entire family.

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  9. I'm wishing all the best for Luke! I hope he and his new family have many, many, many happy years together. Sending you big hugs too, mama!!
    XOXO
    www.mrsaokaworkinprogress.com

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    1. Thank you. His new mama sent us a video, and he looks happy. :)

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  10. I will be praying this family is a good fit for Luke and that the adoption is finalized soon. My husband and I recently had to make the decision to disrupt a foster placement that was headed toward adoption (after telling ourselves we would never do such a thing), and it was by far the most painful thing I've ever gone through. But now I totally get why people sometimes have to make decisions that others may never understand. You know what's best for your family, and it took great courage to make the hard but necessary choice to find another family for Luke. I'm praying for you.

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    1. Thank you for your prayers. I'm sorry you know the pain and second guessing that go along with our decision, and I wish you all the best in healing your family.

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