Imagine you're in an elevator, and it free falls 3 floors and skids to a halt. That's the feeling I had when I opened the email.
"Love Your Dreams/Goals" it said.
Seriously, God?
I've been rolling my eyes at all the One Word posts floating around. I've studiously ignored all the "New Year, New You" type campaigns for getting healthy, losing weight, getting organized, learning new skills and the like.
Right now, I'm in survival mode.
Then love survival mode.
Late last year, I started linking up with Jill Savage's Hearts at Home blog hop. The first couple of pieces felt good to write, and seemed to be well received. The email I mention above was laying out the themes to write about, not only for January, but for all of 2014.
How am I supposed to love survival mode?
The more I mulled it over, the more I thought that maybe this year will be a passage from Survival to Endurance to Blooming.
I recently tried to write a post about where Luke is at 6 months home. I asked Paul to pre-read it, and he told me I sounded angry and bitter. That wasn't what I was going for, so I never published it. I was trying to explain that Luke hasn't made any progress since we've had him, and how discouraging that is. I was trying to convey what his constant screaming has done to our family. Maybe I am a little angry and bitter. Mostly, though, I'm exhausted and depressed.
The nice thing about depression is that it brings with it a comforting apathy where you just don't freaking care any more. I think that makes it even more important for me to have a dream or a goal.
Dreams... Goals... What do I want? I want to take the girls back to China for a visit in a few years. But that's a long way off. I need something more immediate than that. Getting Luke into preschool in August will be a huge help for our family; in some ways, a dream come true. That gives me something to look forward to. But August is also a long way off.
Honestly? I've got nothin'. I guess I need to figure out a plan to get from Survival to "running the race set before me with Endurance" (Hebrews 12:1).
The nice thing about endurance is that if you just hang in there, you do eventually get somewhere. Paul and I have a milestone anniversary coming up. This spring, we will have been married A Long Time. In the early years, there were times when being young, and selfish, and broke, and having a bunch of little kids, was not fun. But you endure it, and eventually, things get easier.
I'm hoping the same is still true in these circumstances. Hopefully, after we get to a place of Endurance, we can progress to Blooming. Because that's what I want for my children. I want them to see us overcome adversity and bloom. I want them to live in a contented home. I want them to blossom. That's my dream for them.
You are blooming! The endurance just makes us appreciate the beauty more. I'm on the blog hop.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sue.
DeleteThank you for sharing!! I can relate to your post. Sometimes I wonder if people get angry and bitter from my posts... if not, then I'm probably not being honest enough on my blog. two of my three kids have special needs and frankly, i have times when I am a little angry and bitter. I have plenty of "why them?", or the more selfish "why me?" days. But through the anger and the bitterness, I still know that God loves us and has a plan for us, even though most of the time I have no idea what it is. God Bless You!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Wani. I clicked the "I Landed at Amsterdam International" button on your blog, and wow. A lot to read, a lot to soak up. There ARE other families with undiagnosed kids! Our neurologist looks at Luke and shrugs.
DeleteTotally irrelevant, but it looks like your last two babies were born at home? 3 of mine were, too. :)
I feel we all go through difficulties as I still am in the midst of it myself with our girl. While she has improved, some, she still is light years away from the average adoptee who has come home, doing very little of what "most" on the adoption boards are saying their child is doing. While I am trying hard, I too am not at a place where I see the great thing God has done putting her in our family. I still am not even sure IF in the end, we will have her a year from now. But I am coming to accept what will be, will be. I truly want what God wants but I still don't "get" what he is trying to convey to me personally. In the meantime, I try with her and though I to get down, I DO have goals for the New Year, it truly is the only thing sometimes that keeps me going. I NEED to try, something, anything and at the end of the day, I still fail and we can't keep her then at least I did EVERYTHING I could do. As I said before, God laid on my heart to get my home in order by minimizing and now, literally we have unloaded 10 vans of stuff and we STILL are not close to being done. As a super neat freak, everything I own or have owned was totally organized and had a spot, so my home has NEVER been, ever close to messy.... But I still felt God wanting me to lighten our load, substantially! So here I am, 2014, 2 great older kids, 1 small tiny girl who is still very much a mystery and we have no idea if she will stay or not, a husband and I who have been together almost 27 years, homeschoolers, and a home getting a complete gut job of removal of stuff and YET I sit here, confused, waiting on God to clarify HIS Will! Totally and completely exhausting when all I want to do is pull up the stakes and buy an RV and hit the road and live simply and FEEL normal again! Guess what I am saying, is to dream of what you want, even if you can't do it "right now". You NEED to have something to look forward too. My Mom keeps saying, do what you can do but in the end, IF things don't work out, you tried with all your might, but don't give up your life or dreams because of all of this. To have ANY child, there has to be a deep desire to love and to parent, but in the end it's out of our hands IF and WHEN they bloom. We both need to realize to NOT beat ourselves up over what has happened to us, even though our hearts break for these kids, though it's easier said then done! Just don't give up and even if we get bitter and angry, we are human and God knows this too. I ask myself everyday, why but truly some good has come from this, I realized how far gone I have lived, living MORE for life and things then for people and God. While I have been incredibly blessed with all that I have, still I Get overwhelmed by the enormity of the tasks at hand, I feel totally incompetent and incapable of doing and handling it ALL. We are our worst enemies, our worst critics, but you know what, depression, sadness, these are things YOU CAN get through because you ARE strong. Surely if my load were as large as yours, I would never make it but YOU have, because you ARE able, even if this one child breaks you, God will put you back together no matter the outcome, but please keep dreaming, all the devil wants to do is suck the energy and positiveness out of us, don't let him! I have cried endless tears for something that is totally out of my control, she is either going to be here or she won't, she will either bloom or not, but I can only do what I can do. She will either be our blessing or she will bless another family, but either way, she WILL BE blessed and so will we BE blessed no matter what! Just hold on and see what I can do do says our God. Whatever the outcome, he is still in control, I trust that even If right now we both are on a boat on stormy waters. :-( I will continue to pray for your family.
ReplyDeleteWow, 10 vans full of stuff! That much decluttering must feel awesome! I feel good when I haul a couple bags to the curb for the resale truck that comes around.
DeletePS. Thank you so much for sharing so much of your heart! It has been such a blessing to me to read honest words about how Luke is doing. I truly have learned so much from you and your beautiful family! You inspire me to continue on and today my small family of 5 had an awesome day with lots of smiles from our little girl. I believe God allowed me to discover your blog, because whether you had a good day, or hard day, still YOU have been an encouragement to me and so many other people!!! So Thank You! :-) Also, sorry about the long LONG posts, I am a big talker! LOL
ReplyDeleteThank you. I hesitate to put some of the realness out there because Paul says people won't want to read a "downer" blog, but it's good to hear from other moms like you who are going through it, too.
DeleteI don't feel your story is a "downer", yes it's hard to hear and read another persons struggles....but you aren't the only one out there with these feelings! I think your transparency is good for all people to hear as not all stories are sunshine and happiness. When I had a m/c and then got pregnant with my first son the very next month, I should have been overjoyed once I had my baby in my arms. But after having him, I got really sick with two medical conditions and I tried to share my sadness of the situation with many people and literally got oh you are just depressed, when down deep I wasn't. The enormity of taking care of a child, and he was healthy WITH the struggles I was facing overcame any excitement I could have had. I had to suffer in silence because nobody could get WHY I felt the way I did, I was the first of my friends to have a baby so I had no one to talk to, to help or support me during that time. I had no Moms groups, playgroups, And no church at that time so I was isolated totally! I so would have loved to have been able to talk to anyone and I believe adopting a child is no different. You need an outlet, to remain totally quiet when life is unraveling feels like a quiet suffering with no hope! I BELIEVE in the healing power of communicating my feelings, and so I talk. Look at your story as a lifeline for those struggling through the same thing! Maybe this is why we ARE struggling, to give hope through words and feelings to those going through the same situation as us? Truly, My life has more serious testimonies then you can imagine, if you knew them all you'd be shocked! But most people who meet me see my outgoing personality, smile and positive words and think she has NO problems and as I begin to share MY life with them, they realize WHY I continue to smile, because through it all God has carried me! can't count the times, that one of my many stories hasn't touched or helped numerous people in very serious and profound ways! My suffering was that lifeline for others and your suffering is a lifeline to others too! Your story has helped me because reading all these happy stories of adopting, is gut wrenching when looking at your own personal story seems like the opposite. In our case God did give us the cool story of provision financially, he protected my hubby during travel, we felt HIM during the WHOLE process and THEN he meets "her" and that's where the story gets weird, it felt wrong! How could God open sealed shut doors, give raises where a raise wasn't due, provide us EVERY need, and I mean every NEED and then this, just felt sickening!!!!! If there's one thing I DO know is God can turn any fire into a blessing, any death( yes I died once) into a resurrection, any story into a testimony. For me, God has always used my many, and I mean MANY struggles as a tool to help others so why should I think this would be any different? Guess what I am saying, use this struggle you have to bless others! Well I got to go, again Thank YOU and be proud of the strong woman of faith that you ARE because any weakness showed openly is truly strength in my eyes!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss. We suffered a second trimester miscarriage years ago, and it was devastating.
DeleteSounds like you and I have a lot in common. If you're ever near Sacramento, let me know. :)
Wow, so sorry to hear about your m/c!!! :-(. My hubby was told he would never have kids, though I am perfect fertility wise. But I was getting pregnant quite a few times and lost them within weeks of conceiving, though I only officially had 1 true pregnancy loss that was documented. I was late by a day or longer a few times, and I am Never late and even at close to 42 years old, still am on time! I had been told that my hubby is medically sterile and almost all of what is there is defective or dead, yet we defied the odds and I got pregnant 3 times, it took 3 years to get pregnant the first time, lost that and then 3 weeks later got pregnant with my oldest and 1 try 13 months later and I had my second. I could have had more kids but developed some bad health issues postpartum and decided I would be done, though Hubby and I talk of of a last pregnancy still! LOL I always wanted to adopt and was adopted by my Dad and raised with my birthMom. Hubby was ok with adoption, but wouldn't do it because of costs! Finally, after nearly 14 years he agreed, but he always wanted China whereas I wanted Latin America so a compromise was born after my hubby heard God tell him that our daughter was in China! I joked and told him he was praying to some pagan God because, seriously why pick a country so far? Of coarse he got angry, as I was laughing so hard! He was like I am a Christian and believe in Jesus and always will while I continued to laugh! But it was true, because our girl is here! :-0. It is amazing to me how God works though, ask people to do things totally out of their comfort level. People still ask what happened to Latin America and why China? I am like ask him as I point to my hubby with a smile, though in all seriousness China was on my lists of possible countries, but the last one. Pretty much my thought was, well if all other countries fail, then I guess we could go to China, but never really expected "that" to happen. But part of me laughs, because just a month ago we were watching old videos where I said to my Mom that I would love to adopt and my Mom said, oh I think it would be wonderful to go to an Asian country, Vietnam or no, China, that would be nice. I had no recollection of the conversation and neither did my Mom, but as we sat there we both were shocked! Talk about sowing a seed and 14 years later, reaping a harvest! Crazy!!!! Just goes to show, despite our struggles, God has a sense of humor and a plan, even when we don't see it! Adoption, bio, m/c, foster care ( which I have done too), God knows WHO all are kids will be and my Mom despite our situation is encouraging me to have or adopt one more. She is confident all will work out how God sees fit and to not stop life but move forward! Oh, got to love the wise words of my Mama! :-) Oh, I live on the East coast, but would love someday to come your direction for a vacation, so you just never know! :-) And yes we do seem to have a lot in common, and again I am "half" adopted, so maybe you are a long lost relative??? ;-) Crazier things have happened to me, just read above the very few things I have listed so far, so you just never know!!!!!! LOL
DeleteIt's beautiful to see how each family's adoption story is different. I know a family that started trying to adopt from Vietnam, and ended up with twins from foster care. We started with foster care and ended up in China! Every path is different. It all results in kids getting homes, so everybody wins, regardless of where. :)
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